I was flipping through some old history books last Tuesday when this dusty page about ancient Egypt popped up. Honestly, my first thought was: “How the hell did relationships even work back then?” So I grabbed my laptop and started digging like an archaeologist with too much coffee.
Step 1: Hitting the Library Jackpot
First I hit the university library – smelled like ancient paper and student despair. Found this cracked leather book called “Daily Life in Ancient Egypt.” Page 78 stopped me cold: a drawing of pharaohs getting busy with temple priestesses like it was part of the job description. Blew my mind – I thought those gold headdresses were just for show!
Step 2: The Papyrus Rabbit Hole
Then I found translated love poems carved on actual papyrus. Dudes wrote stuff like “Your butt shakes like dates on a palm tree” (seriously!). Better than modern Tinder pickup lines. Kept finding these wild contraception recipes too:
- Crocodile dung mixed with honey – gagged imagining the smell
- Fig pulp tampons soaked in fermented sour milk
- Acacia gum spermicide that actually worked chemically! (Science confirmed it)
Step 3: The Incest Shock
Royal family trees look like spaghetti noodles – brother married sister constantly. Turns out regular Egyptians avoided it like plague. Royals did it to “keep god-blood pure” while peasants side-eyed them hard. Evidence shows commoners wrote divorce papers accusing spouses of smelling like “rotten fish,” so they weren’t shy about bailing.
Step 4: Sex Goddesses & Weird Objects
Got obsessed with the goddess Bes – this dwarf lady with lion ears carved onto bed frames. People prayed to her before doing the deed for protection. Saw museum pics of giant stone penises in temples too! Not discreet at all. There’s one big theory that sacred hooker ceremonies existed… but proof is shaky.
Step 5: The Final Tomb Revelation
Deepest discovery? Workers building pyramids got paid in beer and got time off for “relieving desire.” Found payroll records in some archaeologist’s notes – they literally tracked “wife visits” on hieroglyphic calendars. Proves even pyramid builders needed action after hauling 5-ton rocks all day.
So what’s my big takeaway after sweating through 30+ sources? Ancient Egyptians treated sex like breakfast – totally normal, sometimes messy, but nobody freaked out about it. Way healthier attitude than most modern folks scrolling dating apps! Might try that fig pulp thing someday… kidding! Probably.
