Started digging into Anne of Cleves’ whole mess with Henry VIII today ’cause honestly, the story sounded wild. Grabbed some books first – thick ones with tiny print that made my eyes cross. Flipped through pages hunting for why this marriage lasted like six months flat. Felt like detective work, sifting through dusty history.
What Even Went Down:
- Picked Henry’s Brain: Dude wanted a young, pretty trophy wife. Saw Anne’s portrait (the flattering one Holbein painted), yelled “sold!”, and shipped her over.
- Met Her IRL: Henry rode out like a knight to surprise her. She had no clue who he was – apparently didn’t recognize the king in his disguises. Awkward meeting. Henry took one look and went cold. Called her ugly to his buddies. Total disaster vibes.
- The Morning After: This bit was brutal. Henry supposedly claimed “she is not as she was reported” and whined she smelled bad. Couldn’t seal the deal, if you catch my drift. Called the whole thing off fast.
Cried a little inside reading the original letters. Henry wrote to Cromwell freaking out, basically like “bro, what did you DO? Get me OUT.” Spent hours comparing different accounts. Some historians think Anne was just naive, others think she played it smart knowing Henry was bad news. Got super messy trying to figure out who to believe.
Then hit the juicy part – the DIVORCE REASONS. Henry’s lawyers pulled every trick:
- Dug up her old engagement to some duke’s kid when she was like, twelve. Shouted “previous contract! Illegal marriage!”
- Slapped on “lack of consent” – said she was pressured.
- And the kicker? Whispered about “non-consummation” because Henry swore he couldn’t perform. Bet he blamed her for that too.
Watched a documentary afterwards for kicks. Actors playing Henry looked like they ate too many turkey legs, Anne looked confused. Felt bad for her – shipped over, dumped fast, stuck in a foreign country. But guess what? She ended up loaded. Took the divorce settlement and lived rich while Henry crashed and burned through two more wives. Kinda love that for her. Mic drop.
