K so today I decided to whip up some pirate weapons for this pirate-themed bash my buddy’s throwing next weekend. Totally didn’t wanna drop cash on cheap plastic stuff from the Halloween store, ya know? Figured I’d just raid my garage junk pile instead. Here’s how it went down.
Step 1: The Hook Hand Drama
Right, so first thing that screams pirate? Hook hand obviously. Grabbed an old plastic Solo cup – the red ones leftover from last summer’s bbq. Cut off the bottom part with kitchen scissors, nearly stabbed myself in the process. Then I sawed a paper towel roll in half because screw measuring. Taped the cup stub to the roll with duct tape – crinkly silver stuff, all I had left. Looked ridiculous, floppy as a wet noodle.
Dug around in my recycling bin and found a thicker cardboard tube from foil wrap. Shoved that into the cup, stuffed the gap with crumpled newspaper scraps. Better! Painted the whole mess with this rust-colored acrylic I found behind my toolbox. Dabbed some black paint around the cup rim for ‘worn metal’ effect. Pro tip: Dunked the whole thing in cold coffee after painting. Let it drip dry on the patio railing – neighbor totally gave me the stink eye.
Key materials I messed with:
- Solo cup (RIP)
- Foil cardboard tube
- Duct tape (half roll gone)
- Newspaper scraps
- Rust + black acrylic paint
- Cold coffee sludge from this morning
Step 2: Flintlock Pistol Fiasco
Wanted a goofy pirate gun. Found a sad piece of warped plywood under my workbench – maybe 10 inches long? Traced a terrible pistol shape with a broken pencil. Used my jigsaw – first time in months, dust everywhere. Cut out this lumpy thing that looked more like a bloated fish than a gun. Sandpaper scratchin’ made my thumb raw.
Spray painted it black using leftover Krylon from that birdhouse project. Did three light coats while watching squirrels fight over my birdfeeder. For the barrel? Took a fat black marker cap, hot glued it to the front. Almost glued my fingers together – twice. Used copper wire from an old phone charger to wrap around the ‘handle’. Meh. Stuck a tin foil trigger on with bubble gum. Yeah, actual bubble gum. It fell off in five minutes.
Step 3: Eyepatch Hilarity
Easiest part? Ha. Grabbed some stiff black felt from an old craft kit. Cut a stupid oval shape. Way too big – covered my whole cheek. Trimmed it down. Cut an elastic band from worn-out underwear waistband (clean, relax). Stitched it to the felt patch by hand – my sewing looked like spider barf. Tried it on. Elastic snapped immediately and flicked my ear. Found thicker elastic in my wife’s sewing kit (borrowed it without asking shhh). Finally made one that stays put without blinding me.
Total Garage Trophies Used:
- Warped plywood scrap
- Phone charger carcass
- Dead markers
- Questionable acrylic paints
- Old underwear elastic
- Half-chewed bubblegum
End result? Hook hand’s sturdy enough for beer holding, pistol makes a decent back scratcher, eyepatch stays on unless I sneeze. Total cost? Basically free if you ignore my dignity. Gonna practice my ‘arrrrgh’ before Saturday. Call me lazy – but I’d rather glue bubblegum to cardboard than spend $30 on plastic junk.
