So last night I was chugging coffee around midnight wondering about all those ancient kings in Sunday school lessons. You know, the Judah and Israel dudes with fancy robes and golden crowns? Felt like digging beyond the surface stuff to find who actually made a real dent in history.
How this mess started
Grabbed my dusty study Bible first – the one with coffee stains on Chronicles – and made two columns in my notebook: one for Israel’s kings, one for Judah’s. Started listing every single name from Saul to Zedekiah. Took forever flipping between 1 Kings, 2 Kings, Chronicles. Halfway through my hand was cramping bad.
The elimination game
Made three piles for the kings:
- Straight-up evil ones who worshipped statues
- Mediocre dudes who just existed
- The game-changers
Cut it down to eight contenders fast. Sorry Rehoboam, you got bounced immediately for being an arrogant brat who split the kingdom.
Scoring system trouble
Tried making a fancy points system like:
Leadership: /10
Impact: /10
God stuff: /10
Total disaster. Gave up after realizing Solomon’s wisdom points got cancelled out by his thousand wives dragging points down. Numbers don’t capture David’s heart or Josiah’s reforms.
The final showdown
Stared at my shortlist arguing with myself out loud (my cat judging me):
- David: Almost didn’t include him cause he’s too obvious, but you can’t ignore the guy who founded Jerusalem and wrote half the Psalms
- Solomon: Yeah he messed up later, but that Temple? Still legendary
- Hezekiah: Total underdog story with the Assyrian siege and tunnel engineering
- Josiah: Found that lost scroll and actually tried fixing everything
- Jehu: Wildcard pick – vicious but stopped Baal worship cold
Kept Uzziah out cause leprosy penalty. Sorry man.
Writing headache
Spent two hours trying to explain Solomon’s reign without making it sound like a boring lecture. My first draft read like a seminary textbook. Trashed it and just wrote raw about how he was crazy wise yet dumb with women. Way more relatable.
Printed it out, read it standing up (helps spot awkward sentences), spilled coffee on paragraph three, said “screw it” and hit publish. The end.
