My “Spartan Mom” Disaster Week
Okay, everyone talks about those tough Spartan moms raising warrior kids, right? Seemed intense but kinda fascinating. So last month, I thought, “Why not try some of their rules? See what happens with my little Timmy (he’s 8).” Oh boy, it got weird fast.
First thing? The toughness stuff. Spartans didn’t coddle their kids. So day one, I told Timmy, “Hey buddy, new rules. No more soft bed.” I stripped his comfy mattress and made him sleep on a pile of old blankets on the floor, like those Spartan kids supposedly slept on reeds or whatever. He looked at me like I grew a second head. Took him two hours to fall asleep, whimpering most of the time. My partner wasn’t thrilled walking past that scene.
Then came food. Spartans kept it basic and frugal. No fancy snacks, minimal meat. So goodbye chicken nuggets, hello… beans. Lots of beans. Black beans, kidney beans, lentils. Like his main fuel source became bean soup. Timmy lasted maybe three meals before he pushed the bowl away, pale. “Mom, I think I’m turning into a bean,” he mumbled. Trying to make me feel guilty! Spartans probably would have laughed. I just felt like the villain.
But the real disaster? Stealing. Yeah, Spartans apparently encouraged stealing food as part of training resourcefulness… but only if you didn’t get caught. How messed up is that? Figuring “Why not?” I hid a few packs of his favorite cookies. Told him, “Want them back? Figure it out. Be resourceful!”
What did my little Spartan warrior do?
- Tore apart his sister’s room thinking it was her hiding stuff (she was pissed).
- Stood in the kitchen howling like a wounded coyote for 20 solid minutes.
- Finally just gave up, slumped on the couch looking utterly defeated.
So much for cunning survival skills. He just looked broken.
Physical training? Pfft. Forget the famous wrestling pits. Tried getting him to do more outside stuff – long walks, carrying heavy-ish bags. He whined about his legs hurting after ten minutes. Suggested climbing a tree. “But mom, bugs are UP there!” Perfect warrior, huh?
Cold baths? Yeah, no. I ran him a slightly cooler bath once. He screamed bloody murder like I was boiling him alive. Lasted about thirty seconds. Partner called me insane.
The final nail? He straight up rebelled. Full on mutiny mode. Hid my coffee, “forgot” homework at school (probably deliberately), and started giving me this silent treatment glare that was honestly kinda scary. Where’s the warrior discipline? Total failure.
After one brutally long week, it was over. Partner sat me down: “This ends now. You sound crazy talking about ‘discipline’ and ‘endurance’ while our kid looks miserable and hates beans.” Had to admit it. My “Spartan Mom” experiment? Total flop. Kid needed comfort and kindness way more than toughness-for-toughness-sake. Put the mattress back that night. Timmy hugged it like a lost friend. Guess we’re not raising a legionnaire anytime soon. Sometimes history lessons are best left in the books, huh?
