So yesterday I randomly fell down this YouTube rabbit hole about medieval kings – y’know, those dudes with fancy crowns who supposedly had life all figured out? Got me thinking… how’d those guys actually run the show without smartphones or spreadsheets? Grabbed my coffee, cracked open the laptop at 6am before the kids woke up, and dug in. Here’s the messy play-by-play.
The Frantic Google Phase
First I just googled like a maniac. Typed stuff like “how medieval kings didn’t get stabbed daily” and “real king schedules middle ages”. Found dusty academic papers that put me to sleep faster than melatonin. Switched tactics – searched reddit threads where history nerds argue endlessly. Bookmarked 14 tabs. Drank more coffee. Realized I needed structure.
My Ridiculous Notebook System
Dragged out this cheap spiral notebook covered in toddler scribbles. Drew three fat columns:
- Kings Who Didn’t Die Horribly
- Their Weird Power Tricks
- My Sad Modern Translation
Started scribbling like a monk copying bibles. Charlemagne’s name popped up everywhere – apparently that guy was the GOAT. Learned he moved his whole court around constantly instead of staying put. Like a medieval influencer tour but with more chainmail. Tried applying it: stood up mid-meeting yesterday and walked to the breakroom just ’cause. Felt ridiculous but weirdly powerful? Coworkers looked confused.
The Stupid Experiment
Decided to test-drive three king hacks:
- The “Daily Shoutouts” Stunt: Medieval kings did personal judgment sessions. So Tuesday morning I brought donuts and literally stood by the office door thanking each person for specific stuff. (“Jen! Your TPS report saved our butts! Glazed or chocolate?) Awkward as hell but people actually smiled.
- The “Fake Traveler Spy” Move: Kings sent disguised agents to eavesdrop on subjects. For me? Signed up on a freelancer site pretending to be a confused client asking competitors for quotes. Learned more in three hours than six months of market research.
- The “Cultivate Useless Talents” Charade: Kings practiced poetry & hunting. So at 10pm after the kids crashed, I spent 45 minutes learning dumb magic tricks instead of scrolling TikTok. Can now poorly vanish a coin. Impressed zero people. Felt strangely calm though.
The Crash Landing
Results were… mixed. The donut stunt got emails from HR about “unexpected food incentives”. My fake client account got banned within a week when competitors complained. Magic tricks only interest the cat. BUT that constant-movement thing? Legit. Walking laps around my yard during conference calls keeps me awake and more focused than triple-shot espresso. Still no crown though. Probably for the best – I’d pawn it to pay daycare bills.
Biggest takeaway? Kings were masters of two things: looking busy and delegating the dangerous stuff. Tried both. Wore a blazer over sweatpants on Zoom (regal illusion achieved) and made my nephew troubleshoot the printer. Still janky. Some secrets stay buried, I guess.
