Been messing around with medieval weapons this past weekend, man. Not the plastic kind for fairs, real metal stuff trying to see how they really worked back then. Honestly? Kinda terrifying. Wanted to share this disaster diary.
The Experiment Setup
Thought I knew stuff from movies, right? Wrong. Decided to build some tools based on old drawings and descriptions. Hit up a blacksmith buddy – warned me this was a bad idea. Didn’t listen. My goal? See how practical these killing tools actually were. Made seven basic ones:
- A big ol’ double-headed axe
- A long spear thing (polearm, I guess)
- A knightly sword
- A spiky club (mace)
- A heavy hammer with a pointy end (warhammer)
- This flail, like a stick with a chain and spiky ball
- And a crossbow, because why not go loud
The Big Mess
Tested ’em on some fake armor I rigged up – old leather jackets over stuffed dummies filled with sand. Wore thick gloves, looked like an idiot. Tried swinging the axe first. Thing’s heavier than my dog. Missed the dummy completely first two swings, almost took out the fence. Third swing connected. Went clean through the “leather armor” and buried itself in the sand dummy like it was nothing. Sand went everywhere. Way messier than hacking wood.
Polearm was next. Poked with it. Felt dumb. Shoved it hard. Went right through the dummy like a kebab stick. Scary easy. Less effort than the axe. Sword was pretty, slashed the leather open okay, but chopping felt weird without momentum. Then came the mace. Brutal. Didn’t pierce much, but even hitting over armor? The sand dummy underneath looked crushed like a can. You feel that impact.
Real Problems Show Up
The warhammer shocked me. That pointy bit? Punched straight through the leather like it was paper. Stopped only by the wooden board I had behind the sand. Sawdust explosion. Forget plate armor needing “special swords” – give me that hammer. The flail was… chaotic. The chain wobbled, ball flew unpredictable. Smashed the dummy’s head off on the third wild swing, missed five times before that. Probably killed more friends than enemies.
Crossbow? Simple. Scary simple. Crank it, aim, boom. Bolt went straight through two layers of stuffed leather and deep into the wood. No muscle needed. Why train archers for years? Just hand these out.
The Painful Conclusion
After a few hours, my hands were blistered, my shoulder felt wrecked from the axe swings, and my backyard looked like a murder scene full of fake guts (sand and ripped fabric). Lesson learned? Most of these aren’t graceful tools. They’re savagely efficient metal designed to wreck bodies fast. Armor mattered way less than I thought against some of these. Swords seem overrated. That hammer? Pure terror. The flail? Looks cool, works like crap. And crossbows? Cheaters.
Why bother? Remember getting yelled at for smashing my little brother’s action figures with a garden shovel? Felt that same childish urge to break things. Turns out, medievals understood breaking things far too well. Still finding sand in my hair.
