Okay so yesterday I had this crazy idea to dig into the First Crusade mess because TikTok kept showing me knights in shining armor videos. Total rabbit hole situation.
Getting Started Was Ugly
First thing I did? Typed “Urban II crusade” into YouTube like an idiot. Got ten million amateur historians yelling over battle animations. One guy claimed Templars had laser swords. Switched to Wikipedia but man, those footnotes looked like alphabet soup.
Grabbed my library card and logged into their history database. Three hours later my eyes were bleeding from Latin translations of chronicles. Found Fulcher of Chartres yelling about “deus vult” and felt like I’d struck gold.
What Actually Went Down
Turns out Urban II’s big speech at Clermont wasn’t even about Jerusalem at first. Dude basically promised get-out-of-hell-free cards to French nobles who’d been slaughtering each other. Clever move – redirect their violence outward, right?
- Peasants went nuts hearing “Holy Land” and formed this broke-ass militia months before real knights
- They straight up murdered Jews in Germany while “praying” (chronicler said blood ran in streets like rivers)
- Byzantine Emperor Alexios facepalmed when untrained mob showed up starving
Knights Showed Up Late To Party
Proper nobles arrived months later with actual supplies. Siege of Antioch was nightmare fuel:
- They ate their own horses after burning siege engines for firewood
- Found some “holy lance” in a ditch during meltdown (totally sus)
- Killed every Muslim and Jew when they finally broke through
Jerusalem capture made my stomach churn. Chronicles describe crusaders wading in blood to their ankles at Temple Mount. One guy bragged about riding through gore up to his horse’s knees.
Biggest Shockers
Urban II never saw his project completed – died two weeks before Jerusalem fell. Also those knightly kingdoms? Lasted barely 200 years before Saladin wiped the floor with them.
Spent all night cross-checking church records against Muslim accounts. Ibn al-Athir’s writing hit different – described crusaders as “savages” who butchered civilians praying in mosques.
Ended up staring at ceiling at 4AM realizing this wasn’t holy war. Just hungry Europeans murdering for land and loot while shouting God’s name. Modern parallels gave me chills.
