Okay so I got obsessed after seeing some YouTube shorts arguing about the “ultimate” legendary sword. Figured, why just argue? My garage needs more useless stuff anyway. Decided to actually get some replicas and put Arthur’s famous blade, Excalibur, against a few others. Spoiler: It’s messy.
Round One: Finding the Damn Things
First up, trying to buy these swords without bankrupting myself. Went online. Found a cheap-ish “Excalibur” replica – looked pretty, like the movie version, came with a plastic stone base. Cool. Then grabbed a Norse-style Ulfberht sword knockoff (viking vibes, real ones were fancy steel). Snagged a Chinese Jian (elegant, flexible blade type) and finally, a Roman Gladius short sword (think stabbing machine). Took weeks for some to arrive, one got lost in the mail. Typical. Set ’em all up on my old workbench.
Picking Fights: Weight & Feel
Just picking each one up told me a lot:
- Excalibur Replica: Felt heavy. Really heavy. Like swinging a shovel. The balance felt off – too much weight towards the tip. Made my wrist ache pretending to swing it.
- Ulfberht: Nice weight! Felt solid but easier to move. Balanced better near the hand. Actually felt like I could swing it without dislocating my shoulder.
- Jian: Super light! Like a big needle. Felt quick, precise. Needed way less effort. Balance point was right where you’d grip it, super nimble.
- Gladius: Short and punchy. Surprisingly heavy for its size, all muscle packed tight. Felt like a stabbing engine, not for big swings.
Scratch that whole “perfect sword” idea. Each feels totally different.
Danger Time: Sharpness & Cutting
Okay, time for the fun/scary part. Donned my thickest gloves and got reckless. Tested cutting power on:
- Cardboard boxes (poor boxes)
- Water bottles (RIP)
- An old couch cushion (don’t tell my wife)
Results? Mixed bag.
Excalibur: Big letdown. That thick, heavy blade dragged through stuff. More smashing than slicing through cardboard or bottles. Cushion got a nasty gash, but it was effort.
Ulfberht: Performed! Chopped through cardboard cleanly, sliced water bottles in half easily. Even took a chunk outta the cushion. Good all-rounder cutting power.
Jian: Precision king. If I hit right, it went through like a razor. Miss slightly though? Glanced off or got stuck. Great for a clean hit, punishing otherwise.
Gladius: Useless for slashing. Stabbed straight through bottles, impaled cardboard, and went DEEP into the cushion. Brutal stabbing machine.
Conclusion? Gladius wins stabs, Ulfberht wins hacking, Jian wins finesse. Excalibur wins decoration points.
The “Magic” Stuff: Tarnish & Durability
Left ’em out in the garage for a month (humid here). No mystical protection spotted.
Excalibur: Showed rust spots near the crossguard. Goddang “never tarnishing” my rear end.
Ulfberht: Held up decent. Little surface rust, easy to wipe off.
Jian: Needed oiling. Got little speckles.
Gladius: Short blade helped, just minor tarnish.
All needed cleaning, none stayed “divine”. So much for the lady of the lake’s quality control.
Final thoughts? Excalibur looks iconic. The story’s unbeatable. But sitting next to real historical fighters? It felt clunky. Maybe the real magic was the friends Arthur made… or just better metalworking later! The others felt designed for a job. Excalibur? Designed to look cool on a wall. Still glad I did it. Messing around with sharp things always beats arguing online.
