Okay, so last Tuesday was wild. I got sucked into this rabbit hole about Saturn myths ’cause Netflix recommended some space doc, right? Thought Saturn just had pretty rings. Boy, was I clueless.
Where This Mess Started
Grabbed my laptop around midnight – bad idea – and started Googling “weird Saturn stuff.” Instantly hit a wall. Ancient Greek, Roman, Babylonian gods mashed up like last week’s leftovers. Total chaos. Found one site saying Saturn ate his kids, another said he was farming god. Which was it? Drank three coffees trying to untangle this spaghetti.
How I Dug Up the Dirt
First I scribbled names on sticky notes: Cronus, Kronos, Ninurta – turns out everybody worshipped the same angry planet dude differently. Pulled up five browser tabs like an amateur detective:
- Tab 1: Greek writer dude Hesiod’s drama
- Tab 2: Roman harvest festivals (boring till I read the human sacrifice part)
- Tab 3: Babylonian flood myths with Saturn tied in
- Tab 4: That creepy “Saturn eating baby” painting nightmares are made of
- Tab 5: Reddit threads arguing if Saturn causes bad luck (lol)
Tripped over my charger cord twice. Nearly spilled coffee on keyboard when I read about Saturnalia parties where masters served slaves. Ancient Romans knew how to party!
Picking My Top 5 Trainwrecks
Decided to focus on stories popping up everywhere. Made a checklist:
- Story 1: The Baby Muncher (gross but EVERY culture had this)
- Story 2: Golden Age Liar (turns out “good old days” were propaganda)
- Story 3: Saturday’s Sacrifice (why we get weekends – you’re welcome)
- Story 4: Flood Starter Pack (Babylonians blamed Saturn for Noah’s flood?)
- Story 5: Evil Eye Planet (medieval astrologers thought it gave plagues)
Got stuck for an hour on Story 4 because three websites swore Saturn caused different floods. Picked the bloodiest version obviously.
Why This Was a Hot Mess
Thought I’d knock this out before lunch. Wound up taking two days because:
- Roman Saturn looked chill but Greek version was a paranoid cannibal?
- Sources contradicted each other like my aunties at Thanksgiving
- Realized half the “facts” online were from 2010 conspiracy blogs
Ended up using library PDF scans looking like they were photocopied in 1982. Eyes still hurt from squinting at Latin translations.
What I Learned (Besides Eye Strain)
Finally slapped the article together. Moral of the story? Ancient people projected all their fears onto this one planet. Rings? Nope, just endless cosmic dread. Also learned that “Saturday” comes from human sacrifices to Saturn. Makes Mondays feel less terrible honestly.
Next time someone mentions Saturn’s rings? I’m hitting ’em with “Cool story bro, wanna hear about child-eating gods?” Shuts them up real quick.
